"GIVE ME VINYL...OR GIVE ME DEATH"
by Swamp Dogg

A medical doctor friend of mine re-cently purchased new stereo equipment in order to enjoy his new hobby which involves a small, but growing (?) record collection. I put a question mark to denote the inevitable disillusionment my friend will experience when he's made aware of the current vinyl configuration deletion. I didn't have the heart to break it to him as I stood there in his Cleveland home witnessing the system's NASA-like installation by two spe-cialists. The seller flew in from Los Angeles at no (?) cost to my friend. We're talking big bucks here ...we're back on the higher-than-giraffe-pussy level. We're talking the fol-lowing:

Goldman Reference Turntable $30,000
M-300 Audio Research Elec-tronic Power Amps (300 watts) $22,000
SP-15 Pre-amp $6,000
IRS Infinity Speaker $50,000
Total $108,000

Sure, the platter alone weighs 45 pounds (which should interest all of you who lift your platters frequently). It also boasts a computer control tone arm which is about as valuable as a half-pound of afterbirth. And in addition to all of the sweethearts, it has zero tolerance. (So does my wife, and it didn't cost me one hundred and eight thousand dollars to find out.)

I would bet my life that if you combined the playback equipment found in the homes of company heads David Geffen (Geffen Records), Dick Griffey (Solar Records), Mo Ostin (Warner Records), Ahmet Ertegun (Atlantic Records), Bernie Grundman (Bernie Grundman Mastering Lab) and Quincy Jones (Q-West), it would not equal the conglomeration my friend bought, and I'm basing this on the fact that the above people know exactly how much is put into a recording and how much to expect regard-less of the playback system. In spite of this, my friend ought to be able to buy vinyl on all catalogs that tout cassettes and compact discs. On the one hand, I think my friend's purchase was ludicrous and on the same hand, he feels that a person has to be shy a little gray matter to purchase a Rolls Royce… in other words, we all do what we want to do after working harder than ten motherfuckers to provide a way.

Vinyl has become the "come in" tool for a "bait and switch" being employed mostly by the industry giants. It's available until the record shows signs of being a massive hit, then it's dropped while still climbing the charts. Now, the retail outlets are embarrassed when they have to tell their customers "no more vinyl, just cassettes and CDs." It's also regrettable that some small independents are getting smaller and less independent, attempting to walk in the major's footsteps. These dumb motherfuck-ers are discontinuing vinyl, and only make CDs of their popular artists, leaving them ultimately with only cassettes. All of you stupid-ass independents had better wake up and sell more records before you fucking starve to death. The majors can play this game because although they've discontin-ued vinyl, they didn't delete their network television stations, network radio stations, book divisions, computer game manufac-turing, parking lots, motion picture hold-ings, soft drink stock and so forth.

It is documented by Electric Institute, Washington, D.C., that at the close of 1989 there were 85 million record playback sys-tems and 11.9 million CD players in use throughout America's 91.4 million house-holds. That's 92% with turntables and 14% with CDs. In addition to this, 108,000 turn-tables were imported in 1987, and although figures aren't available for '88 and '89, you can rest safely with the knowledge that the import figure didn't diminish. Are you going to trash your turntable? I'm definitely not going to trash mine, even though it cost me under a thousand dollars six years back. And I know my buddy in Cleveland is not going to trash his, although he is going to be freaking for the majority of his stereo com-ponent life following each visit to a Sound Outhouse or any of its record retail competitors.

Do you remember when the airlines decided to cut back on in-cabin services by discontinuing in-flight movies, using the explanation that they conducted a massive survey which revealed that passengers would rather have some of those sorry ass audio programs in lieu of the first run cinemas? Were you surveyed? Neither was I, or any-body you or I know! So after some real disgruntled passengers threatened them and verbally kicked their asses, they reinstituted the movies with a slight surcharge (all they wanted in the first place)-a way to get a $2.00 rental fee for the headsets. Having this, they could give a monkey fuck.

Or when Detroit announced that people no longer wanted convertibles? Until that time, 1973, a convertible was sold as mid-line among the particular auto models. A few years later, when the public was grovel-ing, General Motors and their competitors announced that America had not only changed its mind but was willing to pay up the ass for the convertible configuration. They brought them back...shorter, uglier, smaller and definitely more expensive...and they were right; we bought them, and will continue to buy them, as long as they are made available.

The record industry is talking about skyrocketing oil prices; people being more mobile, therefore they aren't listening to music at home; the cow jumped over the moon; Peter Piper can't find his pecker, and any other inanities they can come up with, hoping that the public will say, "Okay! okay! We're willing to pay more for vinyl! We gave Detroit theirs and we're sorry you had to wait so long for yours...we're gapping em', drive it on home."

Did you know that telemarketers are still selling large volumes of 8-track tapes, especially in the country and gospel catego-ries? People will buy what's available, simple as that. Consumers stopped buying argyle socks only because they were no longer being manufactured. Now they are back and consumers are buying them. No, I'm not saying that we actually value those faulty, undependable 8-tracks or those hideous argyle socks. But with eighty-five million turntables in existence, I know that vinyl is not ready to die, and should be re-evaluated by the demigods who are responsible for the murder of vinyl.

-Swamp Dogg

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