"IF I CAN'T BE YOUR HUSBAND,
LET ME BE YOUR WIFE"
by Swamp Dogg

I've written this article several times in the last few days, attempting to ward off some of the controversy that my writing has been generating. I've been accused of being too black... Take a look at my picture, I'm lighter than Idi Amin, which is some black for your ass in more ways than one. I've been verbally chastised for the use of profanity...To those whom I've offended I say fuck you!

I started to write about the un-even-ness of the pollings/surveys that our industry's Koran, Billboard, does each week in tracking stores to determine the records to bump and the records to dump. In preparation for this, I enlisted two watts lines and tracked over three hundred stores in Chicago, Los Ange-les, and the areas which they influence, that sell predominantly country and black, and are not located in malls and are independently owned. We asked them the following ques-tions:
(1) Are you a Billboard reporter?
(2) If so, how often do they call you?
(3) Are you independently owned?
Of the three hundred retailers, twenty-five were reporters. Most stores don't have a clue how a record gets on the charts. This means only one thing: if your record is not in a mall store-which is usually a chain-you will not be accounted for, because the Bill-board survey is directed largely towards mall stores and Mount Rushmore-type chains; which, by the way, was a controversial issue when Tone Loc's "Wild Thing" single climbed to #2 on the pop singles chart and was outselling everything in the top five, and Billboard sent a message to the effect that several mall stores had not even felt this excitement; therefore to dream of #1, was synonymous with pissing in the wind. With this in mind, 1 decided to leave this subject alone because I did not want to piss off Bill, the chairman of the Board.

My next idea was to write an article on the new record airplay measuring method called Broadcast Data Systems (BDS). This system is set up like a Neilsen and tracks records that are played on BDS-monitored stations on a twenty-four hour, nonstop basis.

The owners of this system, BIP COMMU-NICATIONS, say that they will be track-ing 725 radio and television stations in the 75 most important markets in the United States. What infallible mind determined these markets? How many radio stations? How many television stations? Does this mean that the old system was less than correct and we were being fed erroneous info? It was announced that country music radio had been elected to be the guinea pig. If it fails, let it fail on country which is the true heritage of the white man in America, not Aerosmith, as some would lead us to believe.

Turning our backs on sales-because we don't happen to relate to what's sell-ing-and instead using airplay to deter-mine popularity, is exactly what raped and murdered radio during the disco era. Re-fusing to accept that disco was selling, and would continue to sell based on the belief that "it's just for gays," put the majors in the shit house. We must acknowledge sales, regardless of the source, if we plan to remain a record business. That's one of the rudiments of economics.

After learning that BPI COMMUNI-CATIONS was the publisher of Billboard I decided not to write about this subject-mainly because I felt that Billboard did not need me to tell them that if they continued to employ these methods, they would be-come an industry joke. Bigger gods have tasted the dust.

Well, why not write about how the public is all over the record industry's back to put on warning stickers, execute those who rap dirty lyrics and burn stores that stock Two Live Crew and their exponents who give birth to this so-called filth. Before I continue, please don't throw out Frank Zappa because I love the way he raps:

I whipped off her bloomers an stiffened my thumb
And applied rotation on her sugar plum
I poked and stroked till my wrist got numb
But I still didn't hear no Dinah-MOE Humm
Kiss my aura... Dora
M-M-M...it's real angora
Would you like some more-a?
Right there on the flora?

or my John and Yoko, Two Virgins masterpiece which allowed me to explore their entire anatomy... just a fantasy of mine to that date. My point? These specialized productions were not unlike today's crotch grabbers. These records have to be sniffed out of shops by those who will go to all lengths to obtain the works of a handful of daring artists who sometimes take walks down rue de risque. We are seeing new rap bluebloods like M.C. Hammer, Fresh Prince, Daddy D, Beatmaster Clay D & Get Fresh Crew, Heavy D and Young M.C., who are not utilizing unnecessarily foul language in their raps, and have some classy material that's selling. Nevertheless, when you lump em' all together, you at least know what they're about before you buy them, unlike our entertainment counterpart, the cinema, which happens to be the real culprit, if there even is one. The movies will take a child of any verbal age and teach him to speak foul language that would shame the most loose -moraled adult. A perfect example of this occurred in Eddie Murphy's Harlem knights, where a small boy portraying Eddie used obscenities galore and murdered a man in cold blood as the coup de grace

Staying Together starring Sean Austin, touted stir teenage brothers who lived for sex with older women and had mastered the art of profanity... Stand By Me, with River Phoenix, highlighted blue language throughout. I am neither condemning nor exalting these situations...I just want to know what makes River Phoenix right for the children, and T wrong? I decided against this article also too many questions, too few answers.
Since I can't muster up subject matter that's apropos for my six avid readers, and due to the fact that I don't like to make people angry until at least sixty days after Xmas, I am not writing anything for this issue.

-Swamp Dogg

Back